Codependency

Co-dependency is a dysfunctional relationship with one’s self. It is characterized by an unhealthy dependence on external substances or substitutes to feel good about oneself.

In a codependent relationship, who I am depends on how you are. When I am afraid or unhappy, it’s your fault. I could be happy if only you’d change.

Toxic Families

Codependency issues emerge in a family whose members ignore or deny fear, anger, pain or shame caused by addiction, the existence of physical, emotional or sexual abuse or the presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.

The toxic family does not own, discuss or confront problems that result from its dysfunctional patterns.

The entire family system focuses on taking care of the person who is emotionally or mentally ill. As a result of placing another’s health, welfare and safety before our own, adults lose contact with their own needs, desires and sense of self

Children born to dysfunctional families learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. We develop behaviors that help us deny, ignore or avoid difficult feelings. We disconnect from or shut down the inner resources we need to develop personal identity and emotional intelligence.

Common Symptoms

Compulsive caretaking. We feel responsible for other people and compelled to help or solve the other’s problems at the expense of our health, wealth, safety or serenity. We try to anticipate another’s needs and feel hurt or angry when our efforts are rebuffed or unappreciated. We feel safe giving but don’t know how to receive.

Poor self esteem. We judge our worth relative to some inner ideal of perfection whether this ideal is one we formed or one that has been foisted on us by family, community, church or culture.  We are either not enough or too much.

Denial. We are unable or unwilling to be emotionally honest within ourselves about our problems or connection with others. We ignore our own pain and suffering as well as our participation in creating it. We are often so unconscious of our feelings that we blame others for the way we feel, i.e., “he’s driving me crazy.”

Difficulty setting and respecting boundaries, our own as well as other’s. We don’t know when or how to say either “yes” or “no.”

Difficulty forming close relationships. Narcissistic trauma suffered in childhood and the coping defenses we developed to survive impair our ability to be intimate with other people, i.e., trusting, emotionally honest and emotionally available.

Compulsive behaviors characterized by an inability to control drinking, eating, cleaning, spending, working, worrying. We may be constantly busy without ever getting anything done.

Controlling behaviors whether these are overtly dominating another or covertly manipulating with guilt, coercion or threats.

Ineffective communications. We fear that being emotionally honest will endanger us or hurt the other.  We don’t know how to assert ourselves appropriately or to protect ourselves from other’s inappropriate assertion, i.e., use and abuse. We feel guilty if we do.

Dependency issues. We need something external like a project or we need another person in order to feel whole.We love people because we need them. Our lives revolve around someone else. We tolerate behavior that violates our personal values, suffer emotional and/or physical abuse because we don’t know better or don’t believe we are worth more.

Codependency Behavior

What does codependent behavior look like?

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• A tendency to confuse love and pity with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
• A tendency to do more than their share all of the time
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Lying/dishonesty
• Poor communications
• Difficulty making decisions

If you identify with several of these symptoms or are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships, you should consider seeking professional help.

Treatment for Codependency

Because co-dependence is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often explores early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. Education, experiential groups and individual and group therapy help the recovering codpendent rediscover ourselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment also helps codependent people get in touch with feelings that were buried during childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to  recognize and express a full range feelings again and to make conscious choices.

Mental Health America: Codependency

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