Hi my name is Pam. I’m an alcoholic. Even when I’m not drinking, I’m an alcoholic. It’s not the drinking that defines me, but the thinking.
Deeply co-dependent, I am the kind of person who looks to other people, substances or activities to avoid uncomfortable feelings and thoughts.
Though alcohol was my drug of choice, I also used and abused drugs, spending, sex, work and food to numb out my deep-seated feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness and self loathing.
Thankfully my worst humiliations revealed my greatest opportunities for growth. Fired from a job I loved for poor judgment exacerbated by drugs and alcohol. Stopped for driving drunk though not cited. Very nearly assaulted by Mr. Goodbar whom I brought home after a drunk dinner. The wreckage became too hard to ignore.
Alone late one night after I’d antagonized a person from whom I really wanted respect and love, after finishing off every bottle of alcohol in my house, I surrendered to the obvious.
I accepted alcohol was a problem for me. I admitted that I was incapable of resolving this alone. I turned it over to the Goddess I called my Higher Power.
Unconsciously, I took the first three steps of the 12 step program that lays out guiding principles for recovery from addictive, compulsive or other behavioral problems that destroy your self respect and damage your relationships.
Three months later, Spirit put Alcoholics Anonymous in my path. Getting me there was another matter.
AA was for drunks and junkies. I enjoyed a well-paid professional life. I lived in a beautiful home. What could I have in common with a skid row bum? As it turned out, quite a lot.
The 12 step program has been replicated in so many other areas of co-dependent behavior because it works when you work it.
Whether your self-medicating or numbing behavior is booze, drugs, sex, spending, food, work, rage or a destructive relationship, you need not be embarrassed, ashamed or afraid to show up at any 12 step meeting. You are welcomed and accepted unconditionally.
It’s anonymous. It’s free. It’s effective. I can safely say that I would not be alive today had I not set aside my fragile self image to recover my self esteem.
