About

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Hello, I am Pamela Picard. I began writing this blog in the Fall of 2009.

My life was in ruins.  My relationship of 10 years was in failure. The e-commerce business that I’d birthed from the ashes of the dot-com melt down was on life support. My 12 year old standard poodle was dying.

I was shattered.

It’s not supposed to be like this. People are not supposed to be starting over at age 64. We are supposed to be settled, stable, comfortable. Life partners are not supposed to be separating at age 64. We’re supposed to be holding each other more closely and supporting each other through the vicissitudes of aging. Dogs almost always die before their humans. Still mine is a little boy in a poodle suit and my only child. His loss feels unbearable.

Why was this happening?

I am an intelligent, resourceful and inventive woman. I have developed myself. I’ve been therapied, 12 stepped and est’d. I’ve survived loss, crisis and change many times. Indeed, career resilience is one of my greatest strengths. I had a spiritual foundation. I had the knowledge and skills to consciously manifest the life of my dreams. And yet my livelihood and life had raveled like a cheap sweater.

In hindsight, in this unraveling, shattering ruin of the life I was living, my soul called for healing.

For 30 years, I’d consciously changed communications fields, contracted and lost clients, changed geography and changed partners. Through it all, I denied, ignored and dismissed the fundamental emotional patterns that were driving my life. I rearranged deck chairs on the Titanic. As a result, I continued to experience the same humiliating defeats.

Unless I wanted more of the same, which I do not, I was going to have to effect this change from the inside out.

As Gary Zukov, author of “The Seat of the Soul” puts it, “spiritual growth begins with emotional awareness.”

I didn’t know where to begin. So I turned to my first love – writing.

I’ve kept a journal for 40 years. There’s tremendous power in written reflection. Publishing a blog would be the “throat clearing” – or “heart clearing” – that makes way for a break through in initiative and direction.

“Neither the hair shirt nor the soft path will do. The place God calls you to is the place where your deep goodness and the world’s deep hunger meet,” says Frederick Buechner, an American writer and theologian.

For the first time in my life, I am all ears. If not now, when?

Sharing my private thoughts in a public forum is another matter.

I’m not a coach. I’m not a teacher. The process of recovering self esteem and reinventing livelihood can be messy and painful. I don’t always look good. I’m not always right. Being emotionally nekkid to the world could get my ass kicked metaphorically speaking. I’m sensitive – over-sensitive – to criticism.

I’m willing to be vulnerable through this process to help other people who are blocked. Who live in a state of dull pain and misery. Who stay in a job, a relationship, a place, an addiction, for fear of change. Who live life half hearted, burned out and numb until something inside breaks and cries out.

“Enough!”

Take heart. You are not alone. You can do it!

So if you read or hear something that resonates, that wakes you, inspires you or brings peace to your soul, leave a comment, let me know and stay tuned. If you don’t like what you read, keep surfing, dude.

As Andy Warhol sagely noted, “In the future, everybody will be famous for 15 minutes.”

Tick Tock. My turn. Starting over. Starting now.

Pamela Picard
Tweet: @reinventing64
Friend: facebook.com/pamela.picard
Consulting Services: http://www.pamela-picard.com
Resume: http://www.linkedin.com/in/pamelapicard

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19 thoughts on “About

  1. Dear Pamela:

    I came across an internet mention of your interest in Wayne Dyer’s work, which led me to your blog. If you like his work, you might also like mine. My latest book, Walking Through Illusion, has many beautiful ideas to share; one of them is that we don’t take our beliefs with us when we leave here, we take the love we found from having them. If you would review this book on your blog, I would be happy to send you a copy.

    Warm regards,
    Betsy

  2. Hi Pamela:
    Came here via the Dream Lab. I appreciate your “About” story. Thanks so much for the authenticity in telling the story. I’m toying with the idea of a blog about my journey from 59 to 60. You are an inspiration. I already feel that I’m not in it alone.

    Grazie mille, Wendy Rogers

  3. Hi Wendy, thanks for dropping by. I highly recommend keeping a journal for your journey from 59 to 60. When we give our deeper selves expression, we are often amazed at what it has to say. I look back and wonder, “who wrote that?” Me? I suspect we are all so much more (and less) than our conscious mind (and the storyteller) can grasp. If you have any questions about how to set up your blog, I am happy to help. xo Pam

  4. Dear Pamela,

    Hello. Thank you for your vulnerability, sharing your story and your beautiful blog(s). Clearly you love what you do as it takes a lot of time, dedication and love to manifest what you have here.

    I want to thank you for your referral to the “Marriage of Spirit, Enlightened Living in Today’s World” by Leslie Temple-Thurston and the link to the chapter on squares at your blog page : http://www.reinventing64.com/2010/10/a-practical-way-to-clear-unconscious-blocks/

    CoreLight has recently updated its websites and the new link, if you are willing to update your blog, is: http://www.corelight.org/resources/marriage-of-spirit/chapters/chapter-eleven/

    Their new site is heart-opening, offers resources for transformation that work (if you work it, as they say in 12-step programs) and inspiration.

    If the Truth be known, we all share the same story in one lifetime or another. Thank you for sharing your gift of words and telling yours. Here’s to the journey! Leslie Staller

  5. Hi Pamela,
    Thank you so much for sharing yourself! At 61 I recently experienced something I didn’t see coming. I’ve been over, around, under, and beside myself for quite some time, having decided that life sucks and then you die without me noticing this was the theme of my daily life. I had unplugged for literally years just surviving, stumbling through day after painful day numb, cut off, and so far into my head I think I left the galaxy altogether. I was in a safe, lazy, miserable spot where I had set the bar so low I was content to just get through each awful day with no gains and no rewards…no growth.

    I had a mishap this summer in August. I fell and broke my left hip. Suddenly everything came to a halt. One minute I was able to pull myself through from one day to the next, and suddenly I was having a hemiarthroplasty and went to a rehab center to recover enough to be able to return home. I couldn’t tie my shoes or put on a pair of socks. I went from wheelchair, to walker, to cane and my gait was slowed to a painful shuffle. I looked around the rehab center which was filled with the elderly and at 61 I felt like “the baby” of the group. They all looked depressed and to me the place was dismal even though it was a decent rehab center. The experience fuled my already above mentioned negative attitude of “life sucks, then you die.”

    I was off of work for 2 months, and when I went back suddenly I found each day there incredibly long and almost unbearable. Fortunately for me I do work I love, but I was suddenly hating it. I found it almost impossible to show up. I should insert that I’m also a type 1 insulin-dependent diabetic and my sugars were all over the map which contributes to mood swings. So, as I decided I couldn’t work any more, I started calling in sick. As I stayed home and hung out without myself doing nothing I discovered that I wasn’t happy at home either, plagued by fears of the future, fear about finances if I retired early, after all I was now disabled, or so I had convinced myself. My life was over. I didn’t want to get up, get into the shower, brush my teeth or get ready for work, much less go there. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and pull the covers over my head hoping I would just disappear. I terrorized myself to the point where I frantically started searching the net to see if there was anyone else out there who was having any success digging themselves out of a dark hole like mine. It was amazing to me all the blogs on various sites and how much information and practical solutions they offered. I felt trapped because I was. I had to find a way to let myself out so I could see what was happening and why.

    Turns out I had been hiding for a long time and the broken hip and the resulting pain I was dealing with from the surgery just brought it all to the surface. I wasn’t disabled or any of the other things I was telling myself. I had just stopped living, having a sense of purpose, motivation, and hope. I started to see that only I could let myself out of that place and start looking at what I had to work with and agree to work with it. A little at a time I started breaking my days down to getting ready in the morning and going in to work. It was hard at first because the day seemed to last forever, but I found that after a few days of this, an attitude change, and knowing the choice was mine what attitude to take, I slowly started to see life as interesting again. As of late I have been journaling daily if possible, writing small goals for the day in the morning to be open to what the day has to offer, hopefully experience growing through my rough spots, and taking account at the end of the day, giving myself credit for things done well, and taking note of where there is room for improvement. Just the fact that I’m showing up for my life after such a state of self-induced emotional trauma and hopelessness provides a purpose for each day. I found that I had cut myself off from my coworkers, too into my own head to take an interest in how they might be doing. I try to do some small good each day and make an attempt to really listen and take some interest in others. This has worked wonders. It’s been like waking up from a long sleep. Staying in the moment is a full-time job. Being nice to myself lf is important because I finally believe if I can’t love myself, forget trying to love anybody else.

    I read somewhere today where a blogger said how she stays in the now is to ask herself where her feet are because where ever they are that’s where she is. I thought that was brilliant. I’m grateful to be back among the living. The broken hip turned out to be a blessing in disquise. I show up everyday for my life which is a total turn-around from where I was a month ago. I try to take bite-size bits of learning about myself and what matters to me. I found it’s important to know what really matters to me and to know my life is a work in progress. I seem to be okay just where I’m at even though there is always room for improvement. I’m amazed that I had strayed so far from home, being satisfied with just getting through a day not noticing I was miserable and each day was a chore. Now I find myself wondering what each new day will bring. I have a sense of interest in being there and finding more out about who I am. Taking responsibility without being too hard on myself for the dire straights I found myself in has been a real eye-opener. I want to thank you Pamela for giving of yourself. I found myself relating to everything you had to say and laughing to myself as I read. A sense of humor is important and helps me keep things in perspective. Thank you for sharing.
    Sal

    Slowly I began to wake up from what amounted to sleepwalking through my life, the denial, the fact that I had been treating myself so bad (and this is something I heard in AA years ago): If anyone treated me the way I had been treating myself I’d have a contract out on their life.

    But the good news was there was a way out. I started reading and absorbing what worked for others who found themselves in a similar situation

  6. Thanks for the feedback and for sharing your story, Sal. We can sure do a number on ourselves when we’re living in our heads. Glad you’re “back on your feet” as it were. I’m getting there.

  7. Pam,
    I have your site in my favorites among the other sites I love, Tiny Buddha, Harriet Cabelly’s Rebuild Your Life, and a few others. I find myself taking my breaks and lunch times with my iPhone at work to read and get daily inspiration. It really is so helpful to know I’m not alone. As you mentioned, I too “am in the process of getting there.” Years ago I was into reading C.S. Lewis and in one of his books he said more or less: No matter our spiritual condition, we are all like infants on the floor of the nursery pulling wings off flies. It made a lot of sense to me. There is no way to wrap my mind around that Higher Power so stop trying and just let it help me. I have a feeling it only exists in the “now” where the strength to choose is.

    I know what a honeymoon looks like, having been involved with AA during a time in my life where getting sober was only the beginning to solving my problems. That sober person was a disaster. I suspect after these recent past years of sleepwalking that waking up and feeling like life just might be an adventure smacks of the familiar honeymoon.

    I have no doubt that the other shoe will probably drop, and when faced with difficult emotions, experiences, and situations that shoe will kick me in the spiritual ass. When things get rough what’s in the old moral inventory shed is more truthfully revealed…Sometimes it can be overwhelming. I think way too much! Sites like your’s with all the insight they offer are of tremendous value to me as I stumble around in the dark sometimes. Things are looking rosy now so I’m just trying to enjoy it while I can.

    I have always had a morbid fear of aging. That’s a biggie for me. I look in the mirror some days and all I see is this old lady with wrinkles and bags under her eyes and I wonder where that young person went. I’m okay with it for now. On a rational level I know it’s my turn to get old. I had my turn at being young just as everyone had theirs, and I spent every last cent in a hurry, not knowing how valuable it was. I guess what scares me about getting old is the fact that I have the idea now that my life is finite, and now I think about mortality more and just where do we go after we take our last breath…I try to stay away from there knowing that I had this recent epiphany late, so what. Even a portion of a life well lived is a gift. Some folks never wake up so I should be grateful I did and navigate through my days knowing I can make choices, the choice to be involved, be aware, and be grateful for the many things I have rather than what I don’t…

    I’ve managed over the years to let go of that idea of “entitlements.” Life doesn’t owe me anything. I owe it to myself. I spent years being miserable because I didn’t have any of the things that were on my list of entitlements, the husband, the house, the pricey car, the high-salaried career. I wanted all of those pieces in place, cemented in, and not to be moved which to me equaled happiness. Needless to say I felt cheated, left out, and all of the rest of it. I believed I could never be content or happy until I had this or that.

    Thanks again Pam. I really do think you read my mail!
    Sal

  8. Pamela, stumbled upon your blog today while viewing garden pictures. So glad I did. I was forced into early retirement last January due to health problems (vision) and have spent my first year tentatively reinventing my own life. No, I’m not done as this is obviously a lifelong process but am finding my way to a more balanced and fulfilling existence . Blessings to you my dear for sharing yourself so openly. I find you very inspiring and will be visiting again soon.

  9. Aw I’m touched. Thank you so much for sharing. And for “friending” me on FB. The more I look out “there,” the more I realize that it all begins in “here” – self talk and ways of being. We can never have too many friends. <3

  10. Hi there,
    Have discovered your website today and have spent some time exploring and reading and , I find my self in a situtation somewhat like yours. The inspiration for this work you are doing. I know there is more for me here and I will take time to read thru. I have one question, in that you state that your relationship dissolved and I can see the man in your life appears to be the man that was there before? I am a little confused? Thank you for presenting this.

    cheers.
    E

  11. Pam,
    Came across your blog through your inspirational posts on your FB page , thank you for the brief guidance that you have opened my eyes to. I used to believe that vulnerability from a mans point of view was a sign weakness.
    But I have now learned that vulnerability is the first act of raw courage, innovation and change. You see I was brought up in a mans world .

    Where were not aloud to show feelings or ,emotions , being the non conformist that I am I had my ass kicked severely physically and emotionally by the men that I was around as a little boy. Im going through one of the toughest times in my life right now . Im coming up on 9 years of being sober and just found out that I have had a sleeping giant harboring inside of me called low self esteem and self worth. Pretty much Shame. This manifested in my denial of believing that without lying or wearing a mask I would not be accepted as who I really was.
    This pattern has played such a constant role in my life that I have even sometimes believed my own lies. I have lost opportunities and destroyed relationships time and time again because of these character defects . As you know I had a very traumatic childhood and that is what molded me into the man I have become. Not the real person I should be .
    I mean how could I accept the real person I was , when I didn’t even know he existed. I have had some alignment of different situations just recently that have proven to me that this person does exist with in me , but how do I accept him into my life and silence the negative voice that still me tells over and over they wouldn’t like you if they really knew who you are.

    My answer is God how do I know this he is the only one that I have asked. Sure its 1 step forward and two steps back sometimes , but I would rather walk with two left feet than have to walk around blind in denial. Which define as “Don’t Even No I Am Lying. This has not only been a spiritual awakening for but it has also scared the hell out of me. I mean where do I start So I took it as when I was first getting sober , I made a commitment to God and myself that I was going to feel worthy and comfortable in my own skin and not have to lie and where a mask one day at a time . Well it has been 4 days YaY.

    .But when I have idol alone time the voice starts to talk to me and my thoughts start back onto the busy highway of shame. You see Pam my head is like a bad neighborhood I should not be in it alone .. Now I take God with me.
    Thanks for listening,
    Jeff Keay

  12. Jeff, thank you for sharing yourself so openly. Your vulnerability is very attractive. Your sobriety is inspiring. Having done the shame – blame game… often feeling hurt from revealing so much, I get how skeery it is and how brave you are. Thank you, good for you, easy does it, brother. And no matter what occurs, remember that life is only now. And we live it the best we know how. One. Day. At. A. Time. xo Pam

  13. Nate Jacobson was my grandfather. He was surely a character. I loved reading your blog post about Kings Castle. My Dad wrote a book about his experiences, as well. Never tried to get it published but a great family history.

  14. When sharing my youthful indiscretions, I need to keep in mind, other people were there too. I’m glad you weren’t offended. Your Dad should definitely have the book published. This is a slice of Americana that few people ever know. And your grandfather was one of the rarest of characters. I loved knowing him. xo Pam

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