Hello, I am Pamela Picard. I began writing this blog in the Fall of 2009 in the aftermath of a divorce.
My life was in ruins. My relationship of 10 years was in failure. The e-commerce business that I’d birthed from the ashes of the dot-com melt down was on life support. My 12 year old standard poodle was dying.
I was shattered.
It’s not supposed to be like this. People are not supposed to be starting over at age 64. We are supposed to be settled, stable, comfortable. Life partners are not supposed to be divorcing at age 64. We’re supposed to be holding each other more closely and supporting each other through the vicissitudes of aging. Dogs almost always die before their humans. Still mine is a little boy in a poodle suit and my only child. His loss feels unbearable.
Why was this happening?
I am an intelligent, resourceful and inventive woman. I have developed myself. I’ve been therapied, 12 stepped and est’d. I’ve survived loss, crisis and change many times. Indeed, career resilience is one of my greatest strengths. I had a spiritual foundation. I had the knowledge and skills to consciously manifest the life of my dreams. And yet my livelihood and life had raveled like a cheap sweater.
In AA, there’s a saying “come, come to, come to believe.”
“Come” to meetings. “Come to” from thinking you can fill the hole in your heart with substances, spending, work or sex. “Come to believe” in something greater than yourself. And in this unraveling, shattering ruin of the life I was living, my soul called for healing.
For 30 years, I’d consciously changed communications fields, contracted and lost clients, changed geography and changed partners. Through it all, I denied, ignored and dismissed the fundamental emotional patterns that were driving my life. I rearranged deck chairs on the Titanic. As a result, I continued to experience the same humiliating defeats.
Unless I wanted more of the same, which I do not, I was going to have to effect this change from the inside out.
As Gary Zukov, author of “The Seat of the Soul” puts it, “spiritual growth begins with emotional awareness.”
I didn’t know where to begin. So I turned to my first love – writing.
I’ve kept a journal for 40 years. There’s tremendous power in written reflection. Publishing a blog would be the “throat clearing” – or “heart clearing” – that makes way for a break through in initiative and direction.
“Neither the hair shirt nor the soft path will do. The place God calls you to is the place where your deep goodness and the world’s deep hunger meet,” says Frederick Buechner, an American writer and theologian.
For the first time in my life, I am all ears. If not now, when?
Sharing my private thoughts in a public forum is another matter.
I’m not a coach. I’m not a teacher. The process of recovering self esteem and reinventing livelihood can be messy and painful. I don’t always look good. I’m not always right. Being emotionally nekkid to the world could get my ass kicked metaphorically speaking. I’m sensitive – over-sensitive – to criticism.
I’m willing to be vulnerable through this process to help other people who are blocked. Who live in a state of dull pain and misery. Who stay in a job, a relationship, a place, an addiction, for fear of change. Who come from inadequacy, half hearted, burned out and numb until something inside breaks and cries out.
“Enough!”
Take heart. You are not alone. You can do it!
So if you read or hear something that resonates, that wakes you, inspires you or brings peace to your soul, leave a comment, let me know and stay tuned. If you don’t like what you read, keep surfing, dude.
As Andy Warhol sagely noted, “In the future, everybody will be famous for 15 minutes.”
Tick Tock. My turn. Starting over. Starting now.
Pamela Picard
Tweet: @reinventing64
Friend: facebook.com/pamela.picard
Consulting Services: http://www.pamela-picard.com
Resume: http://www.linkedin.com/in/pamelapicard
Dear Pamela:
I came across an internet mention of your interest in Wayne Dyer’s work, which led me to your blog. If you like his work, you might also like mine. My latest book, Walking Through Illusion, has many beautiful ideas to share; one of them is that we don’t take our beliefs with us when we leave here, we take the love we found from having them. If you would review this book on your blog, I would be happy to send you a copy.
Warm regards,
Betsy
Hi Pamela:
Came here via the Dream Lab. I appreciate your “About” story. Thanks so much for the authenticity in telling the story. I’m toying with the idea of a blog about my journey from 59 to 60. You are an inspiration. I already feel that I’m not in it alone.
Grazie mille, Wendy Rogers
Hi Wendy, thanks for dropping by. I highly recommend keeping a journal for your journey from 59 to 60. When we give our deeper selves expression, we are often amazed at what it has to say. I look back and wonder, “who wrote that?” Me? I suspect we are all so much more (and less) than our conscious mind (and the storyteller) can grasp. If you have any questions about how to set up your blog, I am happy to help. xo Pam
Dear Pamela,
Hello. Thank you for your vulnerability, sharing your story and your beautiful blog(s). Clearly you love what you do as it takes a lot of time, dedication and love to manifest what you have here.
I want to thank you for your referral to the “Marriage of Spirit, Enlightened Living in Today’s World” by Leslie Temple-Thurston and the link to the chapter on squares at your blog page : http://www.reinventing64.com/2010/10/a-practical-way-to-clear-unconscious-blocks/
CoreLight has recently updated its websites and the new link, if you are willing to update your blog, is: http://www.corelight.org/resources/marriage-of-spirit/chapters/chapter-eleven/
Their new site is heart-opening, offers resources for transformation that work (if you work it, as they say in 12-step programs) and inspiration.
If the Truth be known, we all share the same story in one lifetime or another. Thank you for sharing your gift of words and telling yours. Here’s to the journey! Leslie Staller
Thank you so much. I will happily update the link. The Marriage of Spirit continues to be a mainstay of my recovery and growth. xo Pam
Preach it my brother.
Hi Pamela,
Thank you so much for sharing yourself! At 61 I recently experienced something I didn’t see coming. I’ve been over, around, under, and beside myself for quite some time, having decided that life sucks and then you die without me noticing this was the theme of my daily life. I had unplugged for literally years just surviving, stumbling through day after painful day numb, cut off, and so far into my head I think I left the galaxy altogether. I was in a safe, lazy, miserable spot where I had set the bar so low I was content to just get through each awful day with no gains and no rewards…no growth.
I had a mishap this summer in August. I fell and broke my left hip. Suddenly everything came to a halt. One minute I was able to pull myself through from one day to the next, and suddenly I was having a hemiarthroplasty and went to a rehab center to recover enough to be able to return home. I couldn’t tie my shoes or put on a pair of socks. I went from wheelchair, to walker, to cane and my gait was slowed to a painful shuffle. I looked around the rehab center which was filled with the elderly and at 61 I felt like “the baby” of the group. They all looked depressed and to me the place was dismal even though it was a decent rehab center. The experience fuled my already above mentioned negative attitude of “life sucks, then you die.”
I was off of work for 2 months, and when I went back suddenly I found each day there incredibly long and almost unbearable. Fortunately for me I do work I love, but I was suddenly hating it. I found it almost impossible to show up. I should insert that I’m also a type 1 insulin-dependent diabetic and my sugars were all over the map which contributes to mood swings. So, as I decided I couldn’t work any more, I started calling in sick. As I stayed home and hung out without myself doing nothing I discovered that I wasn’t happy at home either, plagued by fears of the future, fear about finances if I retired early, after all I was now disabled, or so I had convinced myself. My life was over. I didn’t want to get up, get into the shower, brush my teeth or get ready for work, much less go there. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and pull the covers over my head hoping I would just disappear. I terrorized myself to the point where I frantically started searching the net to see if there was anyone else out there who was having any success digging themselves out of a dark hole like mine. It was amazing to me all the blogs on various sites and how much information and practical solutions they offered. I felt trapped because I was. I had to find a way to let myself out so I could see what was happening and why.
Turns out I had been hiding for a long time and the broken hip and the resulting pain I was dealing with from the surgery just brought it all to the surface. I wasn’t disabled or any of the other things I was telling myself. I had just stopped living, having a sense of purpose, motivation, and hope. I started to see that only I could let myself out of that place and start looking at what I had to work with and agree to work with it. A little at a time I started breaking my days down to getting ready in the morning and going in to work. It was hard at first because the day seemed to last forever, but I found that after a few days of this, an attitude change, and knowing the choice was mine what attitude to take, I slowly started to see life as interesting again. As of late I have been journaling daily if possible, writing small goals for the day in the morning to be open to what the day has to offer, hopefully experience growing through my rough spots, and taking account at the end of the day, giving myself credit for things done well, and taking note of where there is room for improvement. Just the fact that I’m showing up for my life after such a state of self-induced emotional trauma and hopelessness provides a purpose for each day. I found that I had cut myself off from my coworkers, too into my own head to take an interest in how they might be doing. I try to do some small good each day and make an attempt to really listen and take some interest in others. This has worked wonders. It’s been like waking up from a long sleep. Staying in the moment is a full-time job. Being nice to myself lf is important because I finally believe if I can’t love myself, forget trying to love anybody else.
I read somewhere today where a blogger said how she stays in the now is to ask herself where her feet are because where ever they are that’s where she is. I thought that was brilliant. I’m grateful to be back among the living. The broken hip turned out to be a blessing in disquise. I show up everyday for my life which is a total turn-around from where I was a month ago. I try to take bite-size bits of learning about myself and what matters to me. I found it’s important to know what really matters to me and to know my life is a work in progress. I seem to be okay just where I’m at even though there is always room for improvement. I’m amazed that I had strayed so far from home, being satisfied with just getting through a day not noticing I was miserable and each day was a chore. Now I find myself wondering what each new day will bring. I have a sense of interest in being there and finding more out about who I am. Taking responsibility without being too hard on myself for the dire straights I found myself in has been a real eye-opener. I want to thank you Pamela for giving of yourself. I found myself relating to everything you had to say and laughing to myself as I read. A sense of humor is important and helps me keep things in perspective. Thank you for sharing.
Sal
Slowly I began to wake up from what amounted to sleepwalking through my life, the denial, the fact that I had been treating myself so bad (and this is something I heard in AA years ago): If anyone treated me the way I had been treating myself I’d have a contract out on their life.
But the good news was there was a way out. I started reading and absorbing what worked for others who found themselves in a similar situation
Thanks for the feedback and for sharing your story, Sal. We can sure do a number on ourselves when we’re living in our heads. Glad you’re “back on your feet” as it were. I’m getting there.
Pam,
I have your site in my favorites among the other sites I love, Tiny Buddha, Harriet Cabelly’s Rebuild Your Life, and a few others. I find myself taking my breaks and lunch times with my iPhone at work to read and get daily inspiration. It really is so helpful to know I’m not alone. As you mentioned, I too “am in the process of getting there.” Years ago I was into reading C.S. Lewis and in one of his books he said more or less: No matter our spiritual condition, we are all like infants on the floor of the nursery pulling wings off flies. It made a lot of sense to me. There is no way to wrap my mind around that Higher Power so stop trying and just let it help me. I have a feeling it only exists in the “now” where the strength to choose is.
I know what a honeymoon looks like, having been involved with AA during a time in my life where getting sober was only the beginning to solving my problems. That sober person was a disaster. I suspect after these recent past years of sleepwalking that waking up and feeling like life just might be an adventure smacks of the familiar honeymoon.
I have no doubt that the other shoe will probably drop, and when faced with difficult emotions, experiences, and situations that shoe will kick me in the spiritual ass. When things get rough what’s in the old moral inventory shed is more truthfully revealed…Sometimes it can be overwhelming. I think way too much! Sites like your’s with all the insight they offer are of tremendous value to me as I stumble around in the dark sometimes. Things are looking rosy now so I’m just trying to enjoy it while I can.
I have always had a morbid fear of aging. That’s a biggie for me. I look in the mirror some days and all I see is this old lady with wrinkles and bags under her eyes and I wonder where that young person went. I’m okay with it for now. On a rational level I know it’s my turn to get old. I had my turn at being young just as everyone had theirs, and I spent every last cent in a hurry, not knowing how valuable it was. I guess what scares me about getting old is the fact that I have the idea now that my life is finite, and now I think about mortality more and just where do we go after we take our last breath…I try to stay away from there knowing that I had this recent epiphany late, so what. Even a portion of a life well lived is a gift. Some folks never wake up so I should be grateful I did and navigate through my days knowing I can make choices, the choice to be involved, be aware, and be grateful for the many things I have rather than what I don’t…
I’ve managed over the years to let go of that idea of “entitlements.” Life doesn’t owe me anything. I owe it to myself. I spent years being miserable because I didn’t have any of the things that were on my list of entitlements, the husband, the house, the pricey car, the high-salaried career. I wanted all of those pieces in place, cemented in, and not to be moved which to me equaled happiness. Needless to say I felt cheated, left out, and all of the rest of it. I believed I could never be content or happy until I had this or that.
Thanks again Pam. I really do think you read my mail!
Sal