I am closing the door on some long-standing financial issues. Getting down to the wire, my stomach is tied up in knots.
As I reflect on the tangle of emotions, I’m really dealing with “nots.”
Not smart enough. Not adequate. Not competent. Not safe. Not protected. Not secure. Not confident. Not honorable. Not prosperous. Not plentiful (unless worry and self-reproach count.) Not accountable. Not responsible. Not worthy. Not worth a damn. Not good enough. In short, not enough.
There’s pretty much nothing in my vocabulary or beliefs that the clinched part of me is hearing. It’s scared witless and cowering in fear of the not knowable, not controllable and terrifying imaginable consequences of my sins.
Criminal. Not. Fraudulent. Not. Irresponsible. eh. Dumb. Plenty.
I am my own judge, jury and executioner. How do I resolve these nots and breathe easy again? How do I forgive myself for letting things get profoundly out of hand? For not believing in my own worth?
Hi Pam,
I’m really enjoying your site. I feel like you’ve read my mail! It amazes me how others love and see value in me and my whole drag, when I can’t see my worth or on some days even begin to like myself. The more I tune in, the more responsibility I take and I’ve always been one for the short-cuts. I’m finding that I have to face what it takes to love oneself! Imagine that. I’ve been wired for self-loathing for most of my conscious life…a lot of second nature behaviors. I try everyday to give myself some credit for being willing to be responsible for what I think, do, and say…Uhhh!
Today was a good day. I’m one of those people who appears to be outgoing, but you can bet the second after meeting someone new I have them in a box. I’m as hard on myself the same way. Today I made a conscious attempt to communicate with a couple of people at work who I really don’t like. Most of the time I allow their presentations to bug the shit out of me. I made an effort to be open and communicate with them instead of dismissing them which is my usual routine when dealing with people who annoy me. Then I don’t listen and I am the one who feels bad carrying around the resentment that they probably aren’t even aware of. It’s part of myself I don’t like very much, the phoney, the unreal deal, the liar, the one hiding behind the nod. What I learned during this uncommon positive approach to this dilemna was that I feel better and I don’t have to like them to make an attempt to love them by listening and taking an interest. Folks I don’t like (these two are a couple of neurotic nutbag women who tend to want to perfect everything and control every single aspect of everyone’s work day). I thought about it for awhile and realized when I see other people’s real or imagined faults, it’s because I hate it in myself. What’s the old saying, “You name it, you claim it?” I suspect you are loved by many, as I know I am too. All the negative obstacles I go through everyday are not necessarily who I am. I learned a long time ago but never internalized the fact that other people see something (the good) that I don’t see and love me including my many flaws. I try to cut myself a little break every day and stop the background cacaphony of constant picking at myself. I am finding that it’s not so hard to like, or even God forbid…love myself if I cut others a break too. Left to my own devices, I’m a curmudgenly, cranky, mean-spirited 61-year-old “queen baby.” That person takes the helm often and I have to close the door to her when I can. I’m finding it’s never too late to stop in the middle of a sentence, or stop in the middle of a behavior that serves no good or useful purpose to myself and those around me.
Thanks for your humor and wisdom. I love this site!
Sal
Thanks for coming back. I actually love Queen Baby best among all my errant aspects. Have you read anything about / by Carl Jung? By journaling daily and now blogging, many archetypal personalities have emerged. Puella – the eternal girl. Imagine living to 66 years old without recognizing this aspect of oneself. The Perverted Old Man – that fucker who is always telling me I’m wrong, I can’t, why try? There’s also a 13 year old boy with a very bad attitude but I don’t think I got a handle on that until recently. Could it be that I’ve finally faced and owned “The Trickster.” Here’s an earlier post about this http://www.reinventing64.com/2010/12/fun-to-be-one/